Well this is awkward. You opened this link thinking wow she posted a very cryptic date and all I got was this lousy blog post?
Well yes, but I promise if you continue you’ll hear a lot about the issues I’ve been going through and also you’ll see Lewis Capaldi show me his armpits. Yup, this is gonna be a weird journey.
Let’s start with some honesty shall we? Three months ago I left social media because I received a few comments online that really devastated me and it was too hard to continue being venerable to people. I just couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve always advocated to not letting others bring you down, but after years of nasty comments it didn’t matter how few of them there were, they were new mantras that played in my head repeating over and over again “that’s what everybody thinks of you”. It was terrifying. I didn’t enjoy sharing my life with anyone. I began to withdraw. I actually think this process started years ago but my breaking point was about three moths ago. I couldn’t believe that I didn’t want to share the joys of my life online when I was once so excited to essentially grow up in front of the public and to experience those ups and downs with others, but that’s not how I viewed it anymore. But it wasn’t until recently that I realized why I had let it have such an impact on my mental health.
Here’s the thing though, I couldn’t believe that I would let these little comments really bother me. I was getting mad at myself for not being able to handle it better. But I was also getting annoyed because I realized what the real problem was. I was being so hateful towards myself, because I essentially set myself up for failure. I’m constantly striving for an unachievable perfection in all things that I put this incredible amount of pressure on myself and if I’m not perfect that I don’t have worth because who doesn’t want things that are perfect? I would look back at all of my life decisions and make lists. Lists of past decisions that I was bothered with and it would snowball. I would look back at these imperfect decisions no matter how I handled them, good or bad, and have this contempt for things that were out of my control.
When it all became too much to handle and I finally decided to delete all my social media off of my phone and take a break, I was shocked and embarrassed at how often I would simply pick up my phone out of boredom or a need to check social media. Seriously delete instagram off your phone and you’ll be shocked how often you pick up your phone to check it and it will be a real eye opener. Those first three days I would laugh at myself for not having the control to not see what other people were doing online.
It's so hard to describe what the next couple of weeks felt like because I felt less connected which is not a feeling that I am used to. I kind of felt out of the loop and uneasy. But what amazed me was as more time passed, the less I started to care about the online world and news, and politics, and fighting and the more I cared about my own interests that I had put on the back burner.
I felt calmer, I stared to read again, and I mean really read. I haven’t read this many books in a long time because I never game myself the time to do so when I could sit up until midnight looks at other people and their outfit of the day (seriously though why did I spend so much of my time watching other people show off their mom jeans?!).
I think what surprised me the most was realizing that my outlook on humanity changed. I know that seems kind of dramatic but online is a very negative and hateful place. People are not, on the whole, kind online. There is so much hatred of “others” online. If you don’t look a certain way, if you do follow certain politics, if you have different viewpoints of the world there is no discussion online, only accusations and pointed fingers to who’s right and who’s wrong. Remarkably when you leave social media you realize it doesn’t have to be all arguments and put downs. Seriously go on facebook and count how many posts out of a hundred don’t turn into a fight. Everything from how to parent to relationship issues. So many have these unnecessary comments that don’t help, they only hurt.
Want to know what’s even crazier? We put all of this importance of being online its kind of crazy. When someone would ask about tagging me in something or sending me an article I would say oh I’m not on social media, and immediately people would say but why? Like it’s weird to not be living our lives online. WHICH IF WERE BEING HONEST IS THE WEIRD PART. It’s become so normal to us that having privacy now is not normal. I know every one of my high school classmates jobs, how many kids they have, who they voted for in the last election. How they feel about wearing masks, and it's all too much. There’s no reason to share everything with everyone. I wish we would get back to the old internet where we would argue over if the dress was white and gold or blue and black. That’s what the internet is for, connecting in a positive way not negative.
This is why I got sad when I would have these moments of wanting to share something like a house project or an adorable puppy video. I started compiling all of these missed moments and if you don’t mind I’d like to share a couple of them with you now.
First of all one of the coolest things that happened to me was interviewing Lewis Capaldi and Ashe. I remembered how fun it was to meet new people and just have fun. I’ve learned to take life less seriously and to just enjoy these random moments more and to cherish the little stuff.
When I talked to Lewis Capaldi not only do I personally feel responsible for ruining his jacket (how do I Venmo him some money at this point) but I was having fun again. I didn’t strive for the “perfect” interview with the “perfect” questions or the “perfect” responses and I just relaxed and enjoyed myself.
Check out the interview where we talked about Nail Hoarn, how I forgot we were still in quarantine, and I also called him a drag queen. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
Tearing out the carpet of the place may have been the nastiest thing ever. I can't tell you how dirty it was. I hate carpet. I HATE IT.
Then I was able to talk to Ashe who is an absolute delight, not only is she super talented at music, but her aestetic is amazing and we get a small tour of her house, which I wish I could design a space like her. She was so kind and fun, and honestly if you’ve ever struggled with a pair of Spanx after a night at the bars, I think you’ll enjoy us sharing our Spanx struggles.
I also have been so upset that I wasn’t able to share my biggest joys over the past three months, which has been remodeling my new home. I have to take a second here to stop and thank my dad and brother for the incredible amount of time and effort they have given to me to help me achieve my goals. I haven’t been so proud of something in a very very very long time. The amount of blood sweat and tears have completely been worth it because I couldn’t be happier seeing my vision come to life. Although I’m not finished I wanted to share an update of everything that we’ve been working on!
Redoing all the floors to adding a new detail to my bedroom walls to completely redoing my bathroom and making my own shiplap out of plywood. Yup you heard me right, did the bathroom for like 60 bucks. (Thank you Pinterest and YouTube!)
All in all the biggest thing I’ve learned is that I don’t care nearly as much what others think, or their judgements when I’m not judging myself so harshly. When I learn to let my own problems go, the words of others don’t have nearly the same impact. If you’re finding yourself getting too down on yourself. STOP. You are worth more than these passing thoughts and you will get through this. It’s not easy, I’m sure I”ll struggle with this for a long time and I’m sure I’ll have set backs, but right now…. Things are better. Breathe, don’t be your own demise and be easier on yourself. When you are, life is a lot easier. Trust me.